Sure sure, the collapse of civil society is a bummer but you want to know what’s really tough to take? Not being able to stress-eat a whole box of Cheez-Its while you read the news in horror, because you are wheat-impaired. Why does stress make me jettison whole-grain life, transforming me into a sodium-deprived raccoon, driven to hunch furtively over a bag of salty something, preferably orange and square? Whatever the reason, it seems Big Cheez-It doesn’t care about gluten-free people. Why, Big Cheez-It? Why? If late-stage capitalism torments us with an unrelenting onslaught of cartoonish evil and lethal skulduggery, do we not want savory crispy cronch like the rest of you?

Also—GF crackers that do exist are bank-breakers, and we need to save cash for eggs.

I don’t mean to suggest that the crackers we are gathered to discuss are the same as Cheez-Its. They are not. Are they, however, cronch, cheesy, simple to make and endlessly adaptable? Yes, yes, yes and yes. No shade to any snack that brings you comfort, a very important nutrient, but are they also objectively more nutritious than a Cheez-It? Also yes. Chia seeds are great for you. Cashews have lots of protein. I’m sure you just heard “chia” and “cashew” in the context of Cheez-It approximation and thought I must have lost my mind, but bear with me. This is a feel-good snack that makes you feel good and also tastes good.

I don’t know about your algorithm but mine abounds with miracle 3-ingredient recipes. Look to the comment sections under these to see the best minds of all generations smack down hard on whether water is an ingredient, and devolve ASAP from there into very essential butter side up/down questions of moral and intellectual superiority.

I am as scornful of and susceptible to these recipes as I am to the promise of a great bra, which after expensive research, I can scientifically attest and conclude does not exist (please hold your recommendations; I’ve tried THEM ALL). At the intersection of the three-ingredient trend and my desperate search for savory crispy snacks exist these crackers, who appeared in my life as one of those Instagram reels you save and will more than likely never, ever go back to.

But I did go back. The headlines made me do it. And these crackers, regardless of the number of ingredients (my version has 8, or 9, depending on your views re: water), are worth the minimal effort to manifest. To make them, you need two appliances: a food processor and an oven. So passionate is my commitment to the cheese cracker, though, that I will even sink into and muck through the angry keyboarding of offended vegans and water debaters, where I learned that you can also use (if you have one) your panini press. The result is pretty adorably striped and crispy. I also tried griddling them on the stovetop, which failed harder than a miracle wireless brassiere. While that may have had more to do with me taking an extra beat to get a dog in from the yard than with the method itself, I don’t really think it’s worth trying harder. Oven or press. No griddle.

There are about a jabillion versions of these, I’ve learned, some of which use chickpea flour or other dry goods, but one splendid thing about the gooey way that chia seeds absorb liquid is they act as such an effective binder that they make flour blissfully unnecessary. Plus they add a little satisfying micro-crunch. You can mix up the spices any way you like (whole seeds, like cumin, nigella or sesame, are delicious), or you could go wild and try some fresh or dried herbs. The cashews are a neutral, buttery host, but you can swap them out for almonds or use almond flour. You could use any kind of cheese—the original called for parmesan but I like a sharp cheddar (obviously—see above: Cheez-Its), which is enhanced nicely by nutritional yeast, a completely optional seasoning that brings flavor as well as a vitamin boost. Everything comes together really quickly to make an easy power nibble—I can’t promise it will neutralize world despair but it is always helpful to have a snack.

I’d love to hear about it if you make them.

Side question: is anyone doing anything that’s working to stay remotely sane and hopeful? I joined a “virtual town hall” (way to up-sell a conference call!) with my congressperson last night and after ten minutes of listening to him avow his faith in the rule of law and checks and balances of democracy I wanted to set something on fire, preferably with myself inside it.

My toolkit includes, as usual, fostering a lot of dogs. I’m sending money where I can, prioritizing mutual aid in all the ways, reading a lot, scheming about vegetable growing and sharing, and flouting screen-time diets (but avoiding doomscrolling) by numbing my brain with a hilarious game called (truly) “ALL IN HOLE.” What’s involved (thank you for asking) is steering a bottomless pit around a toothsome and dizzying display of exotic produce and baked goods according to rules and principles I have gleefully not bothered to figure out. There’s a chance you might gobble one of the cartoon bombs sparsely sprinkled about, in which case the screen mildly observes “you exploded…” but doesn’t make a big freaking deal out of that fact and lets you try again. If instead you hoover up all the assigned goodies from the tidy buffet in the allotted time, it excitedly announces “ALL IN HOLE!” in a very celebratory fashion. In this way debilitating sorrow is avoided for upwards of ten minutes and you feel like you just had an outing to one of those giant Asian food courts where everything is delicious but you have not had to leave the house. People such as my children suspect that my interest in this proves I’ve lost my mind and they may not be wrong.

Nibble on, stay hydrated, and keep rippling kindness through this taxing world.

ch-ch-cheese crackers

¼ cup chia seeds
1/3 cup water (!)
8 ounces (about 1½ cups) roasted unsalted cashews (if you can only find salted ones, just reduce the added salt below), or almonds, or 8 ounces almond flour (about 2½ cups)
3 ounces (about a cup) grated cheese (I like a sharp cheddar)
½ to 1 teaspoon salt (depending on the saltiness of your cheese and your preferences)
1 tablespoon nutritional yeast (optional but makes it yummier/do not ask me for the science)
½ teaspoon paprika
¼ teaspoon ground cumin
Pinch of cayenne (or more if you like some heat)
Optionally: 1 teaspoon whole nigella or cumin seed, 1 tablespoon sesame seeds

In a small bowl, combine the chia seeds and water and let them bloom for about five minutes (or as long as it takes to haul out the food processor and remaining items).

Pulse the nuts in the bowl of the food processor about 15 times, until coarsely chopped, then add the chia mixture and pulse again until evenly distributed and the nuts are well-ground. Add the spices and seasonings and the cheese and use the “dough” setting, if your machine has one, or just run the machine until a ball forms on the blade. If you are using almond flour, just pulse everything but the cheese together until well combined, then add the cheese and proceed. You can taste the dough for saltiness because why not? it’s just nuts and cheese.

To bake in the oven: Heat the oven to 375° and ready two baking pans. Divide the dough in half and roll each section between two sheets of parchment paper into a tidy rectangle ¼” thick. Slide the parchment onto a baking sheet and use a bench knife or pizza cutter to score the dough into squares. Bake about 15 min or until golden, rotating the pans a couple times as they bake for even cooking. Remove to a rack. They will crisp as they cool.

For the panini press: heat the panini press to its lowest setting and for pity’s sake do not forget to hitch the drip-catcher into its rightful place. Divide the dough in thirds and roll between two sheets of wax paper into a tidy square ¼“ thick. Can you just wad the dough onto the searingly hot plates of the press with your bare, dampened hands like a thrill-seeking maniac? Yes. But the result is (shockingly) better if you take the time to roll them out evenly. Cook for about 7 minutes, flipping if necessary to ensure even cooking. Remove to a cutting board and while still warm, use a sharp knife to cut into manageable pieces. Cool on a rack.

If you get them good and crisp, these keep for days when stored airtight, and can be re-crisped with a little time in the oven if they last until such a time that this is necessary.