It’s the holidays and everyone loves a listicle/top 10/guide, so here you go! Here are my top tips for making a visit to Florida even more surreal than usual, followed by some bomb-ass home fries that have nothing at all to do with any of that.

1. Binge two seasons of White Lotus immediately prior to departure. This is ESSENTIAL and I cannot stress enough how important it is to ensuring that all the creepy things about a resort in Miami bother you THE MOST and guaranteeing that you will behave 543% more awkwardly in every interaction you have when you are already hella awqwerd thanks to a semi-feral existence among dogs for several years going now. Hidden benefit of the White Lotus strategy: any and all fountains you encounter (see also: crashing waves) will now trigger bonus spooky soundtrack crescendos that you alone can hear. Palm fronds blowing in wind? YOU WILL SHUDDER.

2. Catch a humdinger of a head cold. Another must! Opens the door to that “could I be PERGANET?!” sense of thrill and suspense that only taking nine COVID tests can offer to a post-menopausal woman who is embarking on a visit to her medically fragile elderly sole surviving parent. Side benefits: that eerie billiard-ball-crashing feeling in the eyeballs when you turn your head (“break!”) and wearing a mask constantly and having to blow your nose constantly and having to wash your hands constantly and your tongue feeling like a surfboard and that warm humid weather you thought you were craving just making you feel sort of clammier and also ungrateful, so: guilt!

3. Just be alive in the dying honks of capitalism as the world burns. When you bring that sensibility to Florida, everything is quixotically MORE, you know? The corridor of shipping containers and cruise ships you drive through: apocalyptic! The attractively-lettered sign in the lobby saying that everyone in this building full of delicate geriatrics must mask in public spaces when you know full well that you are the only person in a mask you have seen since the plane landed: darkly comic. Where is the recycling? Why are we having breakfast dessert? How is this a salad, but also fried? High heels and a thong bikini makes me want to ask those girls about stuff they could be thinking through in some other way? But maybe just reveals my own...stuff? Like for sure they should feel safe to dress any way that feels beautiful to them but also—chafing? On le butthoule? Let’s TOTALLY embody beauty and freedom however it is meaningful to us personally but perhaps examine the way we got here? I’m just saying it’s a lot when you have recently landed from parka country.

4. Become a human castanet of OTC cold relief tablets. This is especially important if you are usually a person of natural remedies by inclination. Forget all of that at home. Take the dayglo orange daytime tablets and the spooky turquoise gel caps for nighttime, in an effort to dam the flow of what legit has to be brain matter at this point in the unceasing nose-blowing. Embracing the dextromethorphanacillinocide will really enhance how disoriented you feel in every way. Come for the dehydration, stay for the mild hallucinogenic side effects. 10/10 must try.

5. When CNN is the constant soundtrack of your day, you get weird. You know I’m not wrong. And why do people move here to escape winter and then air condition all the indoor spaces to the point that they need a sweater is my question, but also: how nice to see a pelican. I’ll be quiet now, or not quiet (sneezing!) but at least not talking.

That’s it! My top 5 tips. Laminate for reference.

Meanwhile: Sweet potato home-fries, y’all. These have been on repeat. They went to a potluck to sit next to some breakfast burritos and they perched comfortably to the left of some housewife chicken (chicken thighs + jar of green salsa + instant pot or crockpot = housewife chicken) and they would make an excellent bowl at any meal if you added an egg and/or some cheese and/or some beans.

Sam Sifton says that the main thing separating home cooks from restaurant chefs is the willingness to use a lot of fat and salt. He actually said butter, and butter is delicious and he is not wrong. In this case the fat is not butter, but a generous pour of oil. They shouldn’t be swimming in it or anything but do not try to lo-fat lite these. A nice shine, plus a deep sprinkle of salt and the spices that are involved, are what make these deliciously grubby.

A word about the potatoes: you don’t want a garnet yam here, but rather the firmer kind of sweet potato, and a mix of types is really nice (white and orange). Sweet potatoes cook a lot faster than regular potatoes, so you get from cutting board to plate a lot faster—a nice bonus.

A word about the peppers: you could use canned green chiles but they won’t be as tasty, so you shouldn’t. You were warned. It’s a little bit of trouble and mess to char and peel the peppers but the rewards are great. If you don’t want to eff with peppers, just don’t use any peppers at all. You’ll still be happy.

A word about chile powder. I mean ground pure chile. Chili powder is a spice blend that includes a lot of things. I don’t mean that. I have a nice little arsenal of different-grades-of-heat chile powders thanks to one of my children thoughtfully moving to New Mexico for a while. If you don’t, look for ancho chile powder and check its heat level (it tends to be on the milder side) to see how compatible you are. I used a mix of ancho and what the fellow at the farmer’s market sold me marked ‘miLd rEd’ and that came out pretty nicely. Smoked paprika is optional but adds a little extra oomph.

sweet potato home fries

2 fresh poblano peppers

2 good-sized regular sweet potatoes,
2 good-sized white flesh sweet potatoes
(about 2# total)

¼ c neutral oil
1 tablespoon ground chile powder
1 teaspoon smoked paprika (optional)
1 heaping teaspoon kosher salt
½ teaspoon onion powder
1 teaspoon ground cumin

To serve:

3-4 scallions, dark and light green parts only, finely minced
Healthy handful of chopped cilantro
juice of half a lime
Maldon salt flakes to taste

Preheat oven to 400°. Line a sheet pan with parchment paper.

Over a gas burner or under your broiler, char the poblanos on all sides until thoroughly blackened, Remove to a bowl and cover with a plate; allow to rest about 10 minutes. Steaming this way allows the skins to loosen.

While they are steaming, roughly peel (no need to get it perfect) the sweet potatoes. Chop them into a ½-1” dice. A mix of sizes makes it interesting.

In a large bowl, toss the diced potatoes with the oil and spices.

Peel the peppers, using your hands and resisting every urge to rinse them (the peppers, I mean; you can rinse your hands as much as you like). Get as much of the charred skin off as you can but don’t fuss over it. Yank the stems and pull the seeds out. Tear them fully open and remove any lingering seeds and tough membranes, Roughly chop the peppers and add them to the bowl with the potatoes and spices; toss.

Spread the seasoned potatoes and peppers on the prepared sheet pan and roast for 20-25 minutes. Rotate the pans halfway. making sure to shuffle the potatoes a bit if any of the ones on the edges are getting too dark.

Test to ensure they are are fork tender, and slide them into a serving vessel, topping with scallions, cilantro and lime juice, and a little shake of flaky salt. Serve warm.